oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
