Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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