he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
