my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
