I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm like, not good at living.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
