Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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