my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
