I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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