To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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