he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
