I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
