the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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