If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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