Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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