the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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