My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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