you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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