Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
one might say we're banned from that church
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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