shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
