Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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