I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
