If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
