I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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