I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
