I'm so fucking centered right now
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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