How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
