First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"