I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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