As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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