chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
