I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
