He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
