If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Randomize
