ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
