Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
