watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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