In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
