is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
