I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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