I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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