how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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