My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
