eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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