His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
