Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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