I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
