you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
