Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
