I just made out with a guy for $7.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
