She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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