Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
