from now on my penis is your penis
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
