listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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