Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
