I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
