I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
