Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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