i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
