Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
