he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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