I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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